if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
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“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*