Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
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Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Husband of the year 😂
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.