This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
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How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Ummm
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.