Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
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Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.