i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
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What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what鈥檚 the good news
doc: you won鈥檛 need it for long
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 馃槒
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it鈥檚 burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Was it something I said?
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.