It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn