WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
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[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”