me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
You Might Also Like
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Banking tips
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand