How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
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gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?