Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
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me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
6. me as a lawyer
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.