This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
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Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”