Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
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My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
lol
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
My background check bounced.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.