[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
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what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish