they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
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[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.