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Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
lot going on here, legally speaking.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?