if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
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fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
My life in a nutshell
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
December birthdays be like…
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Where is your GOD now????
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.