LMAO
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If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
March 16
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.