Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
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If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker