teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
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the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]