Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
You Might Also Like
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms