a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
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He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?