This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
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As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.