[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
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A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”