Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
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During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Why is everyone getting married at me
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”