*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
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if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
i love modern commerce
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.