How about daylight saves us for once
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UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
How to find Kentucky on a map
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
getting groceries