Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
You Might Also Like
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck