“That’s so cool,” she lied.
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Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
My last name is Zilla.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Many hands make light work
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …