My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
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If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Mmmm canned fish.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing