There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.