going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
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I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
live long and prosper!
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Ron is short for Aaronald
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.