How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
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Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.