so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
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if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work