Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
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me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My dating profile:
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.