Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
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“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
When you kidnap a writer.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the