One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
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Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.