I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
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You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Heroic Misunderstanding
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.