Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood

8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?

me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

My last name is Zilla.

The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.