Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
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What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Go hard or stay average
Feels
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with