Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
You Might Also Like
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.