Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
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How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..