Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
You Might Also Like
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Free him
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
This fish is cracking me up
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?