[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
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The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Growing up was a huge mistake
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Born to be mild.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?