Ice skating is like walking in cursive
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If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Isn’t
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.