If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
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Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Cats are still liquid.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-