[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
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My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
choose your gary
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.