[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
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Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it