The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
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Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.