*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Breaking news:
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
🔦🌙👣
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
#dnd #ttrpg
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Sorry not sorry.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.