therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
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Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
True.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.